THROWBACK THURSDAY

 

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A girl from across the ridge had a volcanic crush on me when I was a teenager. I was a pudgy, dumb, and agonizingly shy young man. She was a young girl who was slowly transforming into a sensuous ball of sensual energy. Everything I had learned in Class Six Home Science about adolescent girl characteristics spectacularly appeared in her.

More significantly, she appeared to be more knowledgeable than me, and the devil or the hormones had decided that if she was to attempt everything, I would be the lucky boy.

She was the most talked about a teen girl. The most sought-after item. We had fantasies about her. A lot.

But she had chosen that Duke would be her first love. They devised a strategy with my other female cousin.

I recall our first meeting. I realized I didn't deserve her. The son of a wealthy teacher or a local businessman might have fared better. But I've had some good fortune in my life. This is the finest option.

She was a work of art in every way. I recall her grey eyes, which were the color of the secret of life.

And let me tell you something, Maina. You have no chance if a lady, or even a girl, sets her sights on you. We often think that as males, we make decisions, but I've learned that a female can see you from 100 miles away and position herself properly for you to notice her, and she will have you chase her to give you the impression that you're a champ. But you've played a good one. Nowadays, I can tell the difference between a female I like and one who is just trying to waste my time. This has saved me a significant amount of money and time.

Anyway.

I have no recollection of how I seduced her or what my lines were. My eldest brothers(read cousins) most likely counseled me on this. Thank goodness for huge bros. However, because it was her idea, my words were less important. The intention was to bring her home now.

Back in the 2000s, bringing a girl home with a father who could battle a lion with one hand required precise military capabilities, extensive espionage expertise, and no conceivable information breaches.

So the plan from my end and the shamba dude was uncomplicated. We'd carry her home by the back route, a longer trail. She'd then sneak into our neighbor's maize crop, then crawl through a tea plantation, snails and all. Before squeezing through a prickly fence like a mongoose into the house we boys slept in.

This may sound complicated, and it was, but there is nothing a lady on a mission will not do for love.

So, she arrived in the saiga (a house where boys sleep). Man. As a boy, you can die of shock the first time you see even two inches of feminine thighs. For a billion years, the female anatomy will remain a mystery and a cause of pain for men.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing.

Because my pastor reads my blogs, I'll skip ahead to the main point of this narrative.

She went back home, and the mission was regarded as a success by any standard.

Except there was a leak, and I'm not sure how the elderly man, a full headmaster and church elder, found out about it.

This was perhaps the first time in my life that I felt absolutely miserable. I've never felt so scared in my life.

The elderly gentleman did the unthinkable. He put us (myself and the shamba boy) through the worst psychological anguish when he learned about the news and kept quiet for two weeks.

It would have been preferable if he whipped my tiny a$$ and we were done with it. Every night, I was fully prepared for the whipping and whopping.

We'd go out to dinner, and I couldn't eat because I was so terrified. And, let me tell you, Maina, I love food. But the meal used to taste bad when he ignored it and pretended he didn't know. The food tasted Zas someone had urinated on the ballast. The dish had the flavor of malaria. The food tasted like remorse. I couldn't get the food into my mouth.

We would stand in the dark with the shamba guy each night, an hour or two before dinner, and rehearse our defense, changing a few elements each day, as if we were being tutored by the best lawyer.

So the old man was expected to leave the house one day to mark national examinations. He summoned all of us for instructions on how to carry out our tasks in his absence, as was customary. Man. I miss our fathers' authority. His word was obligatory.

He assigned mum her roles. Everyone including the eldest brother was assigned roles. He saved my instructions for last because I was the last born(Those days) And grouped me in with the shamba boy. He spoke in his normal calm and deadpan tone. And I was nervous. My heart was pounding at 969 beats per minute, and I was sweating like the devil in hell. My mind was racing.

So he turned to face me.

"I realize you want to marry, Duke." That is fantastic. You are in charge of the cows, therefore I believe we can spare two for the bride price. When I return, I'll meet with Mr. N (the girl's father) and we'll talk about it. You will no longer attend school. You will stay here and look after the cows, and your wife will assist us with housework."

“Yayaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” I yelled.

(In Kisii, this is equivalent to yelling NOOOOO.

The screams were heard as far as Kericho, according to reports.

"I assumed you were a man after what you did the other day..."

Man.

“Noooooo. I don't want to get married. "I want to continue my education.

I don't even recall what he said at the end. But he never chastised me. He wasn't either. The old man did not laugh, although everyone else did. He most likely cautioned me and asked us to sing a hymn and pray.

I sobbed.

After being pardoned, I performed my chores at 500% efficiency and worked tirelessly to improve my marks in school.

And, guys, I never talked to any lady until my first year in university.

To this day, this story is always on re-run during the Christmas season and is the family's favorite throwback. Anyone present will never forget how I screamed and defended myself. I thought I was going to die.

I've never seen the girl, even though it's been 20 years. I hope she is doing well... And perhaps one day I'll meet her and laugh about this.

Whoever got lucky with her got the hottest and sexiest thing in our village.