GROWING OLD; FROM A BOY TO A MAN

 

GROWING OLD; FROM A BOY TO A MAN

My mother tells me I was born a happy kid, but life has been making me sad lately.

You see, birthday celebrations are an alien notion more especially if you had a childhood loke mine. Growing up, I never had the opportunity to consider May 12th to be a special day. When I was a kid, the only day we looked forward to was Saturday, the day of rest. Even then, you were expected to spend the majority of your time in church. My mother keeps telling me about the 12th of May, 200(X), as if it were yesterday. Beginning: I was born in the village, and I've heard stories of my umbilical cord being cut with a nappier grass blade - though my mum constantly disputes this. I grew up eating porridge, cassava and bits of ndizi.  Village life is simple and honest. It's something I miss.

Looking back, the theme of my life has always been survival. I have never lived. Life cynism, you know.

Nonetheless, old age got me thinking, what type of wisdom would Plato, Socrates, and Aristotle impart if they were still living today? And here it is in its raw state. Some may sound cliched, and some you may already know from this blog or elsewhere, but now that I've chosen them, it's their final approval.

Ladies and gentlemen, these are the top 30 life lessons.

1.      Learn the Language of PR

It is critical to understand how to communicate with everyone in your life. You should learn how to communicate with your in-laws, the gatekeeper, your spouse, your friends, strangers, demanding family members, and everyone else.

If, at 25, you don't know how to complement a particularly unattractive child in your entourage, you need to learn a few life lessons. Even if the poor creature (no offense) has a pear-shaped head, find something appropriate to say, even if it's comparing the kid to some forgotten hero or something cute about the eyes...

Above all, it is important to learn when and how to laugh in front of others. Even to your pal with the driest sense of humour.It is beneficial. Always control your laughter, because we can all tell when it is excessive. Even those who make their own jokes and laugh at them must find a method to deal with them. Paul, a good friend, once said that laughing at your own joke is similar to masturbation...I couldn't agree with you more. Quite revolting.

2.       Avoid relatives who disparage you

Kenyans enjoy schadenfreude. You're aware of that one relative who has been disparaging you. She said you have AIDS. She predicted that your marriage would fail. She predicted that you will fail your KCSE. She claims her children are smarter than you. Stay away from her. Make as little contact as possible. Do what you want. Never seek vengeance. Pray to God to touch them and let them see life more clearly.

 

3.      Weed and drugs

On campus, guys use drugs. Female students aren't bothered by a puff, especially on a 'plotless' Friday in the middle of the semester. For the full experience, one must consume alcohol and use drugs. They are not always nasty, and addiction does not occur quickly. It's fine to try to feel the effect as long as you stay within safe limits.

I once took weed and found myself humming a Jay-Z  song I last heard in fifth grade in 2007; I love him some him. Then I felt a waterfall on the back of my head and had a fantastic hunger. I ate seven chapattis and beef as if my life depended on it. Joe felt like Isaac before his father Abraham  about to sacrifice him.

Alcohol is excellent, as long as you don't become horny while drinking and ruin everything. Condoms have a habit of bursting in such situations, and she will invariably phone ten days later to inform you that she has missed her periods and believes you are to blame. Then it dawns on you that she is not the type of lady you would want to spend your future with. Your fault!

Hangovers is something else entirely. My worst hangover was when I imagined three old women dancing to three separate drummers in my head and a bee buzzing in the background. I slept the entire day and promised to abstain from alcohol after vomiting what could definitely be classified as the puking of the century. I never gave up drinking entirely, but I learned to avoid strong liquor and invested in the wisdom of beer. It was profitable. Bring that Tusker over here. I've also had some German beer, which is out of this world.

4.      Concerning men and toilets

We will never learn proper toilets etiquette. Never-not even on a single day-  will you get  the toilets clean in a male dominated quarters. Horseback riding is unavoidably a life skill you must learn lest you waste all of your tissue paper on the dirty toilet seat. Given that 87.7% of guys on campus exclusively used pit latrines before starting college, using WCs was always going to be a difficult balancing act (pun intended).

 5. Relationships

I have never in one long enough to write about it, but it's a shame. Finding someone you care about and with whom you can share a blanket when it's cold and disclose intimate details is excellent for the heart. There is, of course, honesty, reality, and fidelity. There is  relatively few functional relationships on campus that had lasted long enough to inspire anything. Regrettably, I am never fortunate enough.

5.      And yes, you can’t be a man about a heartbreak

 I was dumped once because I was always so busy and never available. It was emotionally upsetting because it ended abruptly when I thought I still had a few days remaining. A breakup can be disorienting; some of us have stone hearts and have witnessed so much that a lady dumping you is never upsetting. You drink to it, get lost in drugs or music, and you forget. Life carries on, you see. However, I have discovered that women are more robust. Unless she liked the size, most women would move on after crying blood with such ease that even Satan would be perplexed.

6.      Read 

There is no other way to express this. Make time to read every day. From quantum physics to voodoo dolls, read whatever you can get your hands on. Those that invest in books are more organized, polished, well-informed, and well-traveled, in my experience. My lecturer and a personal friend insists  that if you are not a religious reader, you cannot write well. Look at the quality of blogs produced by this country's online gang to tell the difference between avid and indifferent readers.

7.      Invest

It is never too late to modify bad financial habits. I'm sure I told you about how I started saving right in my first week on campus. I began with Ksh 100 every month. Saving has enabled me see my kid brother through school- yet to be done though. See, my mother broke her back to see me through school and there is no need for a replica of the same while I’m alive and kicking.  Try putting a coin away once a month; it's the best decision you'll ever make.

8.      Be gracious

Be humble. Be gracious. You are nothing. Accept this, and be a good person. To everyone. And with luck, you can reap with some good rewards.

9.      Nobody knows what they're doing. We're all attempting to pay our bills in some way. 

10.  IMPORTANT: NEVER BELIEVE THAT WOMEN DO NOT FART. never.

11.  . The finest place to sort out the clutter in your life is usually right where you are. Also, avoid pulling others into it.

12.   When gossiping, avoid using social media. Screenshots of your amusing and secretive conversations can elevate Judas Iscariot to sainthood. 

13.  IMPORTANT: Never pay a woman's school costs, whether she is your wife or a future bride. She will not only abandon you, but she will treat you as if you were a broken broom stick after she graduates.

14.   IMPORTANT FOR MEN: Never make plans using a woman's money. DON’T.

15.   Women are inherently ungrateful.

16.   IMPORTANT: Sometimes the worst experiences in life bring out the best results; don't 'over-mourn'.

17.   ESSENTIAL: Confidence is sometimes more important than intelligence in life. Make sure your children have plenty of it.

18.  IMPORTANT: Some friendships will fade on their own. Allow them to be alone. Only 1% of people marry the love of their lives. The rest force themselves into marriage, usually through unwanted pregnancies.

19.  Jealousy is a squandered emotion. Our life paths are so distinct, and the world is so vast that there is always something for everyone.

 

20.  Add the remaining 2.

 

 PS

Here is a great year ahead. I wish all of you, nothing but a good cheer, good vibes. I don't mind a cup of coffee or a cold fizzy drink.