"I think I'm pregnant." A girlfriend I was
seeing blurted. Now that I think about it, my moment of truth was quite
amusing. She was my first serious girlfriend, and we were at one of those
swanky restaurants, chatting about nothing in particular, when she dropped the
bombshell. You should have seen my expression. My eyes began to flicker, and
the fries I was merrily chewing on became stale as my jaw struck the floor. My
mind was racing, I was speechless, and the harder I tried to think of something
to say, the more gibberish I sounded, until I finally said, "uhh!" to
which she replied, "We're having a baby, babie!"
I've never felt so disoriented before. Perhaps it was
the way she used the word "we," bringing me as a reluctant accomplice
into this unfamiliar realm. The most I could say is, "Are you sure?"
as if you were asking a bomb expert, "Are you sure it's the red
wire?" She picked up on the terror right away, and the once-jolly couple
became deafeningly silent for the rest of the hangout. I had the distinct
impression that my reaction had ended the relationship. I was a wuss. For all
that I had said and done, this one moment demonstrated my dedication to a life
relationship.
Back to my mystery: how does one deal with the partner
who wants a baby? There was nothing wrong with the relationship in and of
itself. In fact, if I recall correctly, I had begun looking into the
possibility that she was the one. I believe I thought having a child would ruin
the independence of my newfound adulthood. I'm told it's the folly of youth.
Many
of my acquaintances have children, and when I first heard about it, I cried,
"Awh, jeez!" what a mess he got himself into. But three or so years
later, my buddies are still as youthful, happy, and always hang out, but they
are more responsible. That means that, unlike me, who lives from one booze plot
to the next, my buddies now understand that there is more to life than
discovering yet another joint with cheap drinks.
Just to clear the air, there was no child. My
girlfriend was simply putting my potential as a life partner to the test. Did I
mention I read something about women's devious ways?
That is beside the point, and here are 23 lessons 2023 has taught me
1. This
year, I had the nicest birthday of my life. I will be eternally thankful to all
of my friends and my boss who went above and beyond to make that period of my
life what it was. I hope your cups never run dry, and I hope I am privileged
enough to repay the generosity I observed.
2. Don't
try to have a serious relationship with a girl who isn't interested in having
one. If she consumes alcohol. Parties. Clubs. Actively. She is an analogue of a
book in the public area of the library in that she dresses, wears cosmetics,
and grooms herself to go out: every man who dares and desires her has a chance.
You don't want to be in a long-term relationship with her. You should only take
a woman seriously if she takes herself seriously. Don't give dignity to a woman
who is clearly ratchet.
3. I've
cut back on my drinking. Not ceased, just reduced kidogo. I'm working up the
guts to say 'No' to people who invite me out for drinks on unusual days.
Because, as much as I enjoy a fine whiskey, I've discovered I can't drink from
Monday to Monday. Not because I can't, but simply because I don't want to.
4. I
have to be driving by the end of next year, no matter what. It makes no
difference if it's Uber Chap Chap or kuendesha chooni
5. Women
lie. They tell terrible lies. And once you understand how they lie, you will
loathe the majority of them. Their deception is based on manipulation, feminine
cunning, and naivety. Most guys are unable of seeing through them. Most men are
unaware that if you have a date with a woman on Friday but she receives a
better offer during the week, she can schedule an argument with you on Thursday
and ensure the talks go south, ensuring you are in the worst of terms, and the
Friday meeting does not take place. If she fails to appear, she can be erratic,
and you can easily blame yourself when it is her fault.
6. This
year, I discovered that I'm still not ready for anything meaningful. I was
almost in a couple relationships, but they all fell apart because, evidently,
I'm an emotionless jerk who can't seem to find time to call every day. I don't
see myself finding that time in 2023, so that nonsense may have to take a back
seat. However, I wish the rest of you who are in relationships the best of
luck.
7. Remember,
nothing is worse of a deal breaker to a man than a woman who, for the life of
her, just can't cook Chapos
8. Women
never feel bad about cheating. To cheat, they must persuade themselves that it
is worthwhile. As a result, they feel nothing. Yes, women do cheat. Nine out of
ten women I've asked have admitted to having cheated on the man they were
seeing at some point. Rather of feeling terrible or sad, almost all of them try
to justify their cheating. "He had cheated", "He had neglected
me", "I was in a bad situation".
9. It
may take a year, two, five, or ten years, but I firmly feel in my heart that I
will someday take over the Retrosexual column in The Nairobian. And I'll write
it the way I believe uncle Silas would have wanted it written. Tell whoever
handles choices at the The Standard Group that I stated that.
10. A
typical woman is far more freaky and kinkier than a typical male can stomach or
fathom. And depending on the male, ladies reveal different layers of weirdness.
You will receive a mediocre missionary position if you are a Christian lad.
Even a poor missionary. She will open up if you know how to experiment. The
more daring you are, the more you will experiment with her. Good girls,
however, have boundaries.
11. Don't
try to have a serious relationship with a girl who isn't interested in having
one. If she consumes alcohol. Parties. Clubs. Actively. She is an analogue of a
book in the public area of the library in that she dresses, wears cosmetics,
and grooms herself to go out: every man who dares and desires her has a chance.
You don't want to be in a long-term relationship with her. You should only take
a woman seriously if she takes herself seriously. Don't give dignity to a woman
who is clearly ratchet.
12. I'm
a selfish, arrogant jerk that adores words, Chapos, and aged whisky. And
occasionally that interferes with individuals I care about [Look at me getting
all mushy and whatnot.] I may have insulted a few friends, some
unintentionally, others on purpose (let's face it, some of you are dicks as
well). Some distanced themselves from me, while others remained. I apologize to
those who stayed. Things happen. Nothing is too difficult for us to solve over
a bottle of beer and nyama choma.I wish those who have severed ties the best of
luck in 2017. I'll be there for you if you need me. If you never do, keep this
in mind: vegetables are good for you.
13. If
you want to end a relationship with a lady, just end it. She'll take care of
it. Ghost. Alternatively, explain it to her. Just let her go, however you
choose to handle it. She will leave if she is the one who wants to. Just don't
be picky or sloppy about it. Leave quietly and with respect.
14. She
has most likely cheated on you. Women are addicted to adrenaline. They do
strange things and get a rush from defying social standards. On Thika
Superhighway, I observed a couple who were caught having sex. It was most
likely the brainchild of a lady. Simply ask a woman where she has had the
craziest sex or what her craziest sexual desire is. It will be entirely paid
for out of pocket.
15. A
typical woman is far more freaky and kinkier than a typical male can stomach or
fathom. And depending on the male, ladies reveal different layers of weirdness.
You will receive a mediocre missionary position if you are a Christian lad.
Even a poor missionary. She will open up if you know how to experiment. The
more daring you are, the more you will experiment with her. Good girls,
however, have boundaries.
16. Her
last pregnancy was most likely an abortion, not a miscarriage. She probably
didn't want to keep it.
17. I'm
not sure what it is about me that screams Ben 10, but I'm attracting an
exceptionally high number of relatively older, married women these days. I'm
not complaining; I simply want to know what it is so that I may continue doing
it. Is it because of my ugly face? Or does my face just appear like it wants to
be sat on? I'd really like to know.
I'd also like to emphasize that none
of these women have ever sat on my face. We have a straightforward system: they
want to talk, and I prefer to listen. We normally just drink whiskey (on their
tab) and listen to them talk about what horrible creatures men are. I
occasionally try to protect my species, but I'm usually always overruled.
Regardless, I can state with certainty that older ladies make excellent
company. And they will never require 2K immediately.
18. Women,
lie. They tell terrible lies. And once you understand how they lie, you will
loathe the majority of them. Their deception is based on manipulation, feminine
cunning, and naivety. Most guys are unable of seeing through them. Most men are
unaware that if you have a date with a woman on Friday but she receives a
better offer during the week, she can schedule an argument with you on Thursday
and ensure the talks go south, ensuring you are in the worst of terms, and the
Friday meeting does not take place. If she fails to appear, she can be erratic,
and you can easily blame yourself when it is her fault.In the presence of
women, most guys undervalue themselves. We underestimate us. I've seen a lot of
gorgeous girls that I assumed were out of my league. Then, through a common
acquaintance, I found out they had much stronger feelings for me. I've seen
girls as young as ten express their yearning for average men.
19. Never
in my wildest fantasies did I imagine waking up at 5 a.m., going to work, and
sitting at a desk until 5 p.m. I always imagined myself working in one of those
flexible (or conservative) jobs, like those advertising firms where you come in
at 12 p.m., work until 3 p.m., and then pour yourself a double of whiskey from
the office bar (yes, most of these advertising agencies have bars in the
office) to cap off a long day. I've always assumed I'd enjoy that sort of
thing; it's what I'm designed for.But, no, I got a 8-to-5 job. And, while I
expected to dislike it (I hate monotony, doing the same thing over and over
again), I truly enjoy it. I enjoy it because it involves the one thing that
everyone, including my mother, think I'm good at: writing (there's also
drinking and dissecting Chapos, but who's keeping track?). And I enjoy it
because I get to work with and engage with people I grew up adoring but never
thought I'd meet in my lifetime.
20. She
is most likely the reason guys aren't staying with her. Always check her out.
Don't be the man that tolerates her sour demeanor. Don't be the begging man.
Unless you're one of those weirdos who gets turned on by toxic, sassy ladies.
21. Spend
less money on women. Don't be cheap. But don't go overboard with your spending.
I've seen that smart men can get more out of a female with black tea and a
muffin than some men can with a five-course dinner. If she is setting
expectations for you, know that you are a beta man. At best, you can direct the
course of the relationship. That is, in a sensible way.
22. There
is a girl called Loice (Loise?), for whom I’m willing to sell my father’s land
and give her all the money just so she can spend an eternity keeping herself
looking the way she does. All I will want in return is just a glance, a wink
and a smile from her. That girl deserves all earthly riches.
23. I
am trying to get a serious girl and date. Like she has something on in her
life. Like she is honest, accountable and well raised. Like she can be
respectful. I feel bad with some of my choice. Kindly man-to-Man we are letting
jokers mess with us vibaya.
PS.
The hiatus comes to a screeching
halt. What we have build in the last two years cannot simply end as a Daily
Nation contributor and as a communique.
The writer of this piece does not mind a coffee and frothed
drinks.
Now, can we all be safe as heavens
showers blessings upon us?
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